he felt a warm wind on his back
as he ventured to the other side of darkness
seeking the holy blue lotus
in a sacred quest
as the ancient gods looked on in disapproval
the novice reached for the heavens
and got too high
and the results were brutal
-30-
I Walnut disappoint you
said the Pecan to the Cashew
here’s some nutty jokes for you:
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas in celebration
Why didn’t the Pecan go to the ballet?
It was playing the nutcracker that day!
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog in a bun
Why was the peanut butter upset at the retirement party?
He was roasted by a fellow employee!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A Walnut that won’t fall
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell or two
I have a pun, but I will nut-tella you!
said the almond to the cashew
I float like a butternut, sting like a bee
the chestnut said to the fruit tree
-30-
Bob “Scoop” Nelson was an internationally known investigative reporter with the reputation for getting interviews others couldn’t get. He’d been around the globe a few times in his 21-year career and wasn’t easily impressed by his famous subjects. But he had to admit getting Jesus Christ to sit down for an interview was the pinnacle of his career.
Scoop was nervous, curious, and excited at the opportunity. He had a slew of questions written down in his reporter pad in case he was too overawed to come up with spontaneous questions. He acknowledged the meeting would be a miracle despite not being a religious man. He thought to himself that it was about time Jesus came back. If there was ever a time humanity needed him most, it was the 21st century.
Talk of the Apocalypse is rampant across the earth and for good reason. Mankind now has the ability to obliterate all life on the planet thanks to nuclear bombs. Hot wars are raging on all the continents and the climate crisis gets worse yearly. Scoop was trying to decide where to begin the interview when Jesus spoke, “Peace be upon you Scoop,” and smiled across the table separating them. The room was empty of all distractions with only one window looking out at the picturesque countryside. It was Scoops hideaway on an unnamed island that he retreated to whenever he wanted to get away from so-called civilization.
SCOOP – “Thanks for this chance to interview you oh Son of God.“
JESUS – “You don’t have to be so formal. Just call me Jesus. What would you like to know my son?“
SCOOP – (Forgetting to look at his notes) “Who’s going to win the World Series? No…no… I’m just kidding. Trying to lighten the moment it’s not every day I come into a holy presence such as yourself.“
JESUS – “The Yankees!“
SCOOP – “What the…?“
Jesus – “Just joking. It’s not every day I talk with a Yankee fan.“
SCOOP – (Picking up his reporter pad) “Okay then. When will the final end come for all humanity?“
JESUS – “Have you got a watch?“
SCOOP – “Oh no!“
JESUS – “Relax! Just joking with you again. Touchy. Touchy. My boss doesn’t allow me to give an exact time, or date, when the final reckoning will come. He just wants everyone to repent right now and be ready for the big day.“
SCOOP – “Gee… I’m not sure if my heart can take too many more jokes like that. Okay then. I’m an American. My question is simple. Is Donald J. Trump the spawn of the Devil, or the Devil himself?“
JESUS – “In the Bible I warned of false prophets. Trump is a cult leader, aka a false prophet, and a threat to your republic and the whole world. That’s the reason why I’m here with you today. The Big Guy and I decided to bless your efforts at educating Americans and the rest of the world about the cataclysmic consequences of letting Trump get re-elected. president.“
Scoop put his reporter pad down on the bare table and bowed his head. For once he was speechless. He suddenly had a new mission in life. A new, and more noble purpose than making money and living like a hermit. When he looked up Jesus was gone and there was a piece of paper lying in the center of the table.
“Actually, I wasn’t joking. The Yankees do win it all this season!”
-30-
The wind hammered down the narrow Sierra Nevada Mountain trail, followed by hail and then a blanket of snow as the man looked for somewhere safe to go…
he was covered by his old slicker poncho pulled over his sagging hat and leather clothes, a lone traveler who was nearly froze, but who was able to walk even though he couldn’t feel his toes……
when the snow stopped and the night crept up like a rattlesnake, the traveler had a decision to make, if he were to survive, he’d have to find shelter to stay alive…
when to his relief he found a small cave in the mountain’s side, an opportunity to get warm inside, where his biggest desire was to start a fire so the heat could get to his frozen feet…
he gathered some twigs and leaves off the dirt and knelt down while drawing a little cardboard box from his shirt, that to his horror only contained one match…
that he could feel and dimly see, a wooden key to warmth and being frostbite free, he sat there for what felt like an eternity, hesitant to see if the match would be able to relieve his misery…
holding the cardboard box on its side he took the match and let it slide across the rough surface and suddenly there was a spark, he lit the fire, and chased away the cold and the dark.
-30-
majestic giants rising from the earth
mountains have pierced the skies
since their ancient birth
they all have secrets to tell
about human beings
seeking hell
in their dark interiors
in caves and tunnels
with craggy exteriors
but doorways nonetheless
to the nether regions
and the hot mess
of mankind’s myths
-30-
they say I’m too wordy
and maybe that’s so
words drip from my keyboard
and I never know where they’ll go
I try to paint with words
like Pablo Picasso
wordy me
I enjoy sharing
history
and a good mystery
with words in a row
like ducklings
that know where to go
-30-
Turn around
Go right
Go left
back again
look behind
look forward
look down
look up
your life
is a circle
of events
that shapes
your soul
-30-
I still don’t recognize that old man in the mirror who stares back at me mockingly
I remind him that I’m still young… at heart
not some old warhorse pulling a cart
I’m still able to walk unaided by a cane
Froggie is still my knickname
in my mind’s eye
I see an entirely different guy
a basketball player and a fan
a very active young man
that stranger in the mirror
is vaguely familiar
a reflection of days past
that went by too fast
-30-
Dog spelled backwards is God
bringing love and loyalty
with every doggie nod
Companions beyond compare
canines adore and protect
following you everywhere
You’re never alone with a dog
because they understand
your inner dialogue
-30-
I’m happy as can be
being me
a guy who writes poetry
A wanderer among words
a purveyor of verbosity
I soar into skies of stories
not yet told
in broken sentence safaris
my imagination uncontrolled
-30-
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