during a smoke session in the dead of night
I lit my cannabis-packed pipe
then the world of THC smiled at me
as I drifted happily
and when I awoke
all I could remember
was that it was GOOD smoke!
-30-
When I Light My Pipe
Category: humor
Nutty
I Walnut disappoint you
said the Pecan to the Cashew
here’s some nutty jokes for you:
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas in celebration
Why didn’t the Pecan go to the ballet?
It was playing the nutcracker that day!
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog in a bun
Why was the peanut butter upset at the retirement party?
He was roasted by a fellow employee!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A Walnut that won’t fall
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell or two
I have a pun, but I will nut-tella you!
said the almond to the cashew
I float like a butternut, sting like a bee
the chestnut said to the fruit tree
-30-
(Humor) An Interview with Jesus
Bob “Scoop” Nelson was an internationally known investigative reporter with the reputation for getting interviews others couldn’t get. He’d been around the globe a few times in his 21-year career and wasn’t easily impressed by his famous subjects. But he had to admit getting Jesus Christ to sit down for an interview was the pinnacle of his career.
Scoop was nervous, curious, and excited at the opportunity. He had a slew of questions written down in his reporter pad in case he was too overawed to come up with spontaneous questions. He acknowledged the meeting would be a miracle despite not being a religious man. He thought to himself that it was about time Jesus came back. If there was ever a time humanity needed him most, it was the 21st century.
Talk of the Apocalypse is rampant across the earth and for good reason. Mankind now has the ability to obliterate all life on the planet thanks to nuclear bombs. Hot wars are raging on all the continents and the climate crisis gets worse yearly. Scoop was trying to decide where to begin the interview when Jesus spoke, “Peace be upon you Scoop,” and smiled across the table separating them. The room was empty of all distractions with only one window looking out at the picturesque countryside. It was Scoops hideaway on an unnamed island that he retreated to whenever he wanted to get away from so-called civilization.
SCOOP – “Thanks for this chance to interview you oh Son of God.“
JESUS – “You don’t have to be so formal. Just call me Jesus. What would you like to know my son?“
SCOOP – (Forgetting to look at his notes) “Who’s going to win the World Series? No…no… I’m just kidding. Trying to lighten the moment it’s not every day I come into a holy presence such as yourself.“
JESUS – “The Yankees!“
SCOOP – “What the…?“
Jesus – “Just joking. It’s not every day I talk with a Yankee fan.“
SCOOP – (Picking up his reporter pad) “Okay then. When will the final end come for all humanity?“
JESUS – “Have you got a watch?“
SCOOP – “Oh no!“
JESUS – “Relax! Just joking with you again. Touchy. Touchy. My boss doesn’t allow me to give an exact time, or date, when the final reckoning will come. He just wants everyone to repent right now and be ready for the big day.“
SCOOP – “Gee… I’m not sure if my heart can take too many more jokes like that. Okay then. I’m an American. My question is simple. Is Donald J. Trump the spawn of the Devil, or the Devil himself?“
JESUS – “In the Bible I warned of false prophets. Trump is a cult leader, aka a false prophet, and a threat to your republic and the whole world. That’s the reason why I’m here with you today. The Big Guy and I decided to bless your efforts at educating Americans and the rest of the world about the cataclysmic consequences of letting Trump get re-elected. president.“
Scoop put his reporter pad down on the bare table and bowed his head. For once he was speechless. He suddenly had a new mission in life. A new, and more noble purpose than making money and living like a hermit. When he looked up Jesus was gone and there was a piece of paper lying in the center of the table.
“Actually, I wasn’t joking. The Yankees do win it all this season!”
-30-
A Field of Pumpkins
I dreamt I was lying in a field of pumpkins one October day
watching the orange gourds play
like frisky future Jack-O-Lanterns they had fun
in the warm embrace of the sun
they talked about a harvest moon
that they were expecting soon
when I heard one let out a deep sigh
“What a miserable fate to end up a pie!”
-30-
Some Like It Hot
ghost peppers are the pinnacle
when it comes to hot as hell
people faint at their very smell
breath escaping from tortured throats
connoisseurs praising the heat
as the best thing to eat
while daring novices
slowly turn a bright red
wishing they’d tried something else instead
Remembering A Myth From My Childhood
Seven decades have not diminished one myth I grew up with. It has a place of honor in my head that makes me smile. I still remember when I heard what would happen to my vision if I wacked my weinie!
I was undeterred and ready to go blind at eleven when I tossed caution aside in favor of pleasure – after some experimenting – and crossed the line between boyhood and manhood. I look back now with fondness at my innocence.
I never could fully understand the taboo against exploring my own body but would have preferred to be thrown in a cauldron of boiling oil than admit that. I joined my peers in mocking others accused of that crime of solo indulgence. It was a mean meme before there was such a thing.
My recollection of who came up with the myth is fuzzy, but I’ve narrowed it down to the church and parents universally who don’t want their offspring to ever have sex.
The End
Interview With an Old Cat
Bob the Cat was interviewed one day
by a curious kitten
who wouldn’t stay away
“How did your ears get that way?“
But Bob wouldn’t say
“How old are you?”
Bob told him to go away
“What do you do all day?”
Bob replied “Skip the survey”
so
the kitten finally had to concede
the old grouch wouldn’t proceed
and there’d be no interview
no wise worldview
from an old cat
like that
***
The Celestial Diner
Satchmo singing”What a wonderful world” in a corner of the 1950’s themed diner that never closes down
a mythical diner that attracts great musicians and singers from all around
Jelly Roll Morton rubbing elbows with Duke Ellington at the red bar
the two legends watching Buddy Holly perform from afar
Little Richie, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Fats Domino
hanging out but looking for somewhere else to go
Roy Orbison and Elvis Presley
looking over at Billie Holiday and Peggy Lee
Diane Ross and Janis Joplin playing Liar’s Dice
while old Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, tries to be nice
so he can stay in this musical paradise
The Grocery Clerk
(162 words- flash fiction/poetry)
Monica was a grocery store clerk who worked for a jerk, but because she had bills to pay she couldn’t just walk away, so she tried to make the most out of each day….
One afternoon she was confronted by a goon with a gun who demanded all the cash in her drawer, to her utter horror, while she complied her manager was trying to hide nearby behind a display of a soap called Tide…
After the goon grabbed the cash he was still unsatisfied, and demanded to know where the manager could hide, so Monica looked away from the Tide and was quick to abide pointing up at the office where he would normally reside…
When the police arrived they caught the goon, talked with the manager for a little while, as Monica cleaned up a mess in an aisle, the manager came by to say, “Thank you!” and “… it’s time for a raise in your pay.”
Good Morning
I hated getting up in the morning when I was in school
giving up delicious dreams to attend classes wasn’t cool
when I was on my own and working nearly every day
dragging my body out of bed in the morning wasn’t child’s play
but
now that I’m retired and have no place I have to go
I wake up early to watch the sunrise’s beautiful tableau
The Creative Chronicles of Dave Stancliff 